I have read so many posts from so many bloogers with actual focus. Maybe that is why they succeed and get Natioanl recognition. My life is too diverse for one topic. But two things are consistent in my life Mothering a boy and writing. I have a BA degree and I have held too many jobs to even bother listing. I have never failed at my job as a mother and that says a lot. I also love to write but I am struggling, not to the lack on income but the lack of will power to write. I have been writing off an on my whole life, even so much as getting published in a collection of stories:http://www.amazon.es/An-Eclectic-Collage-Volume-Relationships-ebook/dp/B005LKKVEY http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=Eclectic+collage+pixie+chicks+vol+2&FORM=HDRSC2#view=detail&id=37F41889F3E19D57B93D7CCEC5CA4C4DB86EC92E&selectedIndex=2
.Am I losing my edge? No. I am just growing lazy. I love to write it is therapeutic and a fantastic form of therapy.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1502305712/ref=mp_s_a_1_fkmr1_1?qid=1437449878&sr=8-1-fkmr1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=eclectic+collage+vol+3+and+4
And finally:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1502305623/ref=mp_s_a_1_fkmr1_2?qid=1437449878&sr=8-2-fkmr1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=eclectic+collage+vol+3+and+4
So May have filled in the world of therapy. But I have found therapy that works for me.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Two things have happened recently to hep me rediscover my value as a human being. The first happened a few weeks ago when my darling husband, informed me of his grand plan with our RV. HE WISHES TO TAKE IT ACROSS THE COUNTY IN A FEW years AND TRAVEL TO MANY OF THESE TOURIST ATTRACTIONS HE HAS WANTED TO GO TO SINCE HIS CHILDHOOD. I SAID, THAT WILL B E FUN BUT our son WILL BE IN SCHOOL DURING THE TIME YOU WANT TO GO. To this my husband, looked at me quizzically and said, matter of factually, with little emotion: Araminta, he will be leaving home in a few years. It will be just you and I. This stunned me in to realizing that I was coming to the end of my job as a care taker. I was nearing my final destination with my child. The second big blow came today. Today was was truly a land mark day and a warning of what is to come. For the last 15 years my beloved only child has depended on his dad and I for everything from food and shelter to rides to and from places. Today, however he did not need me or his father. Today he called upon his girlfriend, whom with her newly found freedom of a well earned drivers license, was ready and willing to take my place at the wheel as his beloved chauffeur.
I did not know this was conspiring because he had forgotten to enlighten me with such important information.
When I went to pick him and he was not at football practice,I texted him to ask where he was. He texted back that he was trying to sleep and his girlfriend picked him up. This news should have been gleeful and freeing. Instead, it strangely broke my heart. I was not prepared in the least for what would follow. I felt every emotion known to man that involved grief and a sudden urge to bawl, and bawl I did. I cried so hard I could not breath. It seems silly now that I reacted in such a profoundly dramatic manner but I was unprepared for something that should have been no big deal and a celebration moment. My son was on his way to independence and adult hood. He was accepting help from peers and he was no longer needing me. However, my grief goes so much deeper. For the last 15 years my son is the one area of my life I have made the most accomplishments. The one area I am most proud of. I have lost jobs, quit jobs, been rejected from employment; I appear not cut out to work for the man apparently. Motherhood is the only thing I have actually gotten right and have been allowed to see through to the end. There is no retirement for motherhood though. A mother never stops being a mother. I realized this in that fateful moment my son told me he had another ride. I realized that I had no back up plan for when he left home to embark upon his own adult journey. I cannot can vegetables, I have no garden. I can not sew. I have no desire to take up Bridge and play a card game weekly. I do have my Idaho Media Professionals.I do have my Pixi Chicks writers group. I do have my social networking but motherhood was the only real hobby and employment I ever wanted and thrived in. Try putting that on a resume! It does not land you employment. I have tried. But, I am only 39 years old. I still belong to the IMP and I still write. I am joining the YMCA and I will discover the Araminta that is not just a mother but a Renaissance Woman. I decided to type up an acting resume and where it aid special talents, I had to leave it blank until I really thought about it. I can train a dog basic commands and agility skills. I can create a whole new reality with the stroke of a key board. I can cliff dive ( with enough Xanax in my system). I can ride a horse well and ice skate. I do have special talents but what can I do that stands out best? That is yet to be discovered.
I am a mother, but NOT just a mother. I am a wife too, I am a college educated woman. I am a writer. I am an actress. I am darn good at all the above I just mentioned. So, why am I chasing after the man? WHY DO I FEEL AN EMPTY NEED TO WORK STUPID POINTLESS PAY CHECK TO PAYCHECK JOBS? Because motherhood wont pay off my student loan debt. It should, as this article points out: http://www.salary.com/how-much-should-moms-be-paid/
I love my position as mother and I embrace it. My son may be ready to move on to the next phase in life but I must continue my job as a mother. What I do to supplement the lack of monetary income from this job is yet to be discovered. But it will be. Be it real estate, writing, acting, or some menial job that means nothing to me other then a pay check. I do need to pay the bills.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
In the 1990's there was a PSA on television that told all us impressionable young teenage that "Sex last a minute but being a parent lasted a life time."
This was suppose to scare us from having sex, promote contraceptives. It did not work for me. I still had sex as a teenager, a lot of sex. I became a parent young, in my early 20's in college. I was scared to death of being a parent, after all it was going to last this horrid predicted, " lifetime". The word, "life time to an adolescent was a very dirty, almost "fighting word". There were no real classes that prepared young women or men to be parents. Sure, there were those young adult living classes that taught economics, cooking and how to care for a five pound bag of flower, now they have robot babies that have this annoying recorded cry. at least I was spared the pre-recorded torture cry. However, the concept of teaching young adults to one day be parents was not on the high priority list of the education system. There were millions of teenagers being told that parenting was a bad thing and lasted this awful lifetime. Many of my Generation X graduates went on to go to college and attain careers, not become wife and mothers; a far cry from our grandmothers ambitions of becoming wives and mothers.
Many of my close friends from high school are just now having children. They have their careers set or have tried and failed at the career thing. many are finding that the "life time" issue started to have a count down clock that no one cared to warn us about. the Biological clock starts ticking sometime within that "life time and it is not to be ignored.
I woke early to that biological clock. I was 24 and a sophomore in college. I had met an amazing man, 10 years older then me who was more then ready for a family. He had his house, career and now he wanted his wife and family. When I found out I was pregnant with my now 15 year old son, I freaked. I was scared to death. I was not ready. After all, I did not know what this "life time" sentence was going to bring. I had no clue how to be a mom. My own mother was to busy trying to find herself to really teach me how to be a mom myself one day. That said, I chose motherhood over careerism. and I have never looked back. Motherhood has been such a strange and wonderful adventure. In his infant years he was full of wonder and leaning his new surroundings. I was learning how to be a mom. He was learning how to be a person. In his young childhood, he was learning how to socialize and accommodate others outside his doting family, I was learning how to be reactive and asserting my place as a "helicopter mom". I made a lot of mistakes in his years from age 6 to age 10, but I also leaned how to be an advocate as well as a parent for boys with ADHD and other boyhood annoyances. I made it through those years as a mother and he made it through as the son. His dad was an amazing partner in all of this; I am one of the lucky ones, a mother with a father right there beside me raising our child as a team not as a separate corporate offices That said, I am almost done with the legal obligation part of parenthood. I will soon have the moral/ parental link and life long attachment obligation only. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed being his guardian along side his father. I have enjoyed advocating for him; he has even had to face the legal system for a curfew violation for which I quickly went to bat for him and helped with the process of defending him that is a whole other blog. Regardless, I developed a motto which I live by: " I defend him when he is wronged and disciplining him when he is in the wrong". I have indeed spent a life time raising this person and I have both enjoyed it and fantasized about the notion of being a Supreme Court Justice or Hollywood A Lister, instead. However, those paths were not ordained for me and I realize that my son needed me as his mother, it was just the way of the world. That said, I am ready to enjoy those "Golden years" with my husband. I have indeed earned them and I now understand the true meaning behind them. They are to be treasured, as they are a "golden" promise.
I am glad to nearly be done with this part of my life. My friend,on the other hand is just beginning the joys and horrors of parenthood. What the heck is she thinking! Why in the name that all is sacred would she want to begin her "golden years" as a new mom? why would she want to be throwing birthday parties and going on Halloween outings when she could be planning cruise trips and training for a marathon? Those are jsut two of the many things my fellow soon-to-be-empty nester moms are doing. Doesn't she realize that being a mom last a life time and her life time is not that long? Why would she want to waste her "golden years " on raising a family when the golden promise is that the children are raised by our age? I can understand a grandma taking over the kids because her now adult child is unfit to be a mom or dad, but to become a mother voluntarily. That i can excuse as a burdened obligation of parenthood. But what is she thinking having kids at her most prized age?
The other day I was visiting her and the two young children. I felt like a stranger in a strange land. My own son is now 15 and well on his way to independent manhood. My friend and I are approaching 40; that makes me well on my way to my Golden Years. I pondered back to my own teen years when 40 seemed ancient, my teachers were 40, my own mother and father were in their 40's. It was the age of Aquarius.
I realized that having my son in my early 20's was the wisest decision I had ever made. I was scared and unprepared but it was such a fantastic life time adventure. However, I would not do it over, no, sir, not for all the tea in China. I will be 40 soon and I will be that much closer to being free. It was not old age,nor an age to fear,It was going to be my glory days.
I watched my friend with her children, both under the age of 10 and I felt pity for her. She would be in her late 50's before she could realize this freedom that was so quickly approaching, I asked why she wanted to wait till now to have her kids? Why was she sacrificing those glory days? She simply said, she was ready and she wanted them now. She had achieved what she wanted to out of life and now motherhood was her aim.
In the end, it does not matter what I think. In the end, being a parent last a life time. It can start in your adolescent years for some and in their late 20's for others and for many in my Generation, in their late 30's. Parenthood does last a life time, but that is not a bad thing. It is not some prison sentence as the Public Service Announcement of the 1990's made it appear.It is an achievement. It is a goal. Whether you reach it in your late 40's or you are just starting to realize the goal, being a parent is a life time achievement and it in it self is the award.
I also was laid off from my job as a Community Based Rehabilitation worker that forced me to realize my true potential and career dream. I am going to finally pursue a career in Real estate. I am so very excited and happy to begin my new life.
I intend to spend every waking moment either writing or selling Real Estate. I am 38 years old this year and I was often told you reinvent yourself at age 40.
I am doing exactly this! I thank Jane Fruend, for helping me realize my dream and I also thank all the authors and editors of the Pixie Chicks Eclectic Collage books. I am honored to be a part of this group!
I remember reading a book by Laura singles Wilder called the First Four Years. The book was about the Lauthor's first four years of marriage to Almanzo Wilder. The series itself was a passionate favorite of mine and planted a viable seed that would grow onto a passion for writing. The title stayed with me and it was not until I had my own son, who looks strikingly like Almonzo Wilder, did I grasp the true meaning of a first four or even a final four years. My son will graduate from high school in 4 years and these are my final four as his legally bound guardian and support system. the next few blogs will be my recounting stories of my life as a mother and the trials I face today knowing I have such little time left with Edward the child. He's a teenager and far from a child other then chronological age but he's my child until the legal age of 18, that said. There is much to accomplish in these last 4 years. He started football practice today at the high school. The conradary was profound. He was engulfed in a tidle wave of male adolocent glory. As I watched him proudly; with honor and confidence, stride into the red and white tidle wave of fellow football players and their proudly donned uniforms, I was reminded of a film I loved as a child. It was titled the Last Unicorn. http://viooz.co/movies/8585-the-last-unicorn-1982.html
In this film a lone unicorn searched for her kind and felt very much alone until she was united with her own kind. My son has always had friends nad has always been a very loyal friend. However the last few years since he began playing football, he appears to have found his clan. His loyalities remind me of a soldiers in battle. When he walked into his cohert of warrior- students, it was as if he was engulfed in a sea of glory never to return to his old life of childish awe and innocence. He will, hence forth travel down that ritchous path paved way by so many before him, to walk proid and tall toward manhood. Go Boise Braves!
It's finally here, after 14 years of rearing and going through each phase with my son; his rug rats phase--- cute, vie vacuous toddler, his Lio/ Calvin and Hobbs phase- intelligent, witty and a bit of a brat elementary school phase, many of you readers will remember my past post of THOSE turbulent , exciting, happy, frustrating and promising years--- too many words to describe the first 14 years of Eddy's life. He will be entering High School next fall and like the comic, Zits, I plan on chronicling my only child's rite of passage into this great unknown for him. The next four years are all I have left with him as my adolocent. Wish me luck I'm helping him navigate this era of his life for he will depend on me less and less and his friends more and more.
I embody this post as I am one of those who has done for everyone else and never really done for myself.
When I was younger, pre- marriage and motherhood, I wanted to be a lawyer. I met my now husband while I was in college studying a career my mother told me i was going to be great at. I hated Psychology but it was an easy degree to attain so I stayed the course. I got pregnant with my son, who is now 14 when I was a sophomore in college and my life changed; everything i did then and have done since has been for the benefit of my child. Until about three years ago, I put every one of my dreams and goals on hold. I decided to write a screen play and joined a group that supported my new found hobby. that group led to many other fun goals I accomplished. I want very much to author a memoir or a book series and I used to use the fact I never had time as an excuse, but that is my mom's excuse, not mine, I do not feel right stealing her long used,and very treasured excuse not to succeed. I love my mother but I do not like the fact she always uses the" I cant afford to write,--- or I never have time-- or I need to focus on the job not the dream to pay bills" excuses. I have wonderful idea and a few have actually made it from mind to paper to publisher. I am proud of the little I have accomplished and I will find a way to accomplish more... My son cannot be an excuse to not do.. the fact I need to pay off loans and other bills cannot be an excuse to NOT do.... maybe I need to reexamine my excuses and see if I can fit the needs I have into the reason I need "TO do" pile.
