Two things have happened recently to hep me rediscover my value as a human being. The first happened a few weeks ago when my darling husband, informed me of his grand plan with our RV.
HE WISHES TO TAKE IT ACROSS THE COUNTY IN A FEW years AND TRAVEL TO MANY OF THESE TOURIST ATTRACTIONS HE HAS WANTED TO GO TO SINCE HIS CHILDHOOD. I SAID, THAT WILL B E FUN BUT our son WILL BE IN SCHOOL DURING THE TIME YOU WANT TO GO. To this my husband, looked at me quizzically and said, matter of factually, with little emotion: Araminta, he will be leaving home in a few years. It will be just you and I. This stunned me in to realizing that I was coming to the end of my job as a care taker. I was nearing my final destination with my child. The second big blow came today. Today was was truly a land mark day and a warning of what is to come. For the last 15 years my beloved only child has depended on his dad and I for everything from food and shelter to rides to and from places. Today, however he did not need me or his father. Today he called upon his girlfriend, whom with her newly found freedom of a well earned drivers license, was ready and willing to take my place at the wheel as his beloved chauffeur.
I did not know this was conspiring because he had forgotten to enlighten me with such important information.
When I went to pick him and he was not at football practice,I texted him to ask where he was. He texted back that he was trying to sleep and his girlfriend picked him up. This news should have been gleeful and freeing. Instead, it strangely broke my heart. I was not prepared in the least for what would follow. I felt every emotion known to man that involved grief and a sudden urge to bawl, and bawl I did. I cried so hard I could not breath. It seems silly now that I reacted in such a profoundly dramatic manner but I was unprepared for something that should have been no big deal and a celebration moment. My son was on his way to independence and adult hood. He was accepting help from peers and he was no longer needing me. However, my grief goes so much deeper. For the last 15 years my son is the one area of my life I have made the most accomplishments. The one area I am most proud of. I have lost jobs, quit jobs, been rejected from employment; I appear not cut out to work for the man apparently. Motherhood is the only thing I have actually gotten right and have been allowed to see through to the end. There is no retirement for motherhood though. A mother never stops being a mother. I realized this in that fateful moment my son told me he had another ride. I realized that I had no back up plan for when he left home to embark upon his own adult journey. I cannot can vegetables, I have no garden. I can not sew. I have no desire to take up Bridge and play a card game weekly. I do have my Idaho Media Professionals.I do have my Pixi Chicks writers group. I do have my social networking but motherhood was the only real hobby and employment I ever wanted and thrived in. Try putting that on a resume! It does not land you employment. I have tried. But, I am only 39 years old. I still belong to the IMP and I still write. I am joining the YMCA and I will discover the Araminta that is not just a mother but a Renaissance Woman. I decided to type up an acting resume and where it aid special talents, I had to leave it blank until I really thought about it. I can train a dog basic commands and agility skills. I can create a whole new reality with the stroke of a key board. I can cliff dive ( with enough Xanax in my system). I can ride a horse well and ice skate. I do have special talents but what can I do that stands out best? That is yet to be discovered.
I am a mother, but NOT just a mother. I am a wife too, I am a college educated woman. I am a writer. I am an actress. I am darn good at all the above I just mentioned. So, why am I chasing after the man? WHY DO I FEEL AN EMPTY NEED TO WORK STUPID POINTLESS PAY CHECK TO PAYCHECK JOBS? Because motherhood wont pay off my student loan debt. It should, as this article points out:
http://www.salary.com/how-much-should-moms-be-paid/
I love my position as mother and I embrace it. My son may be ready to move on to the next phase in life but I must continue my job as a mother. What I do to supplement the lack of monetary income from this job is yet to be discovered. But it will be. Be it real estate, writing, acting, or some menial job that means nothing to me other then a pay check. I do need to pay the bills.
